[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
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After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?