@Book_Krazy

[Spelling bee]

Your word is Monogamous.

M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S

*2 Judges stare at each other*

1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”

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@envydatropic

I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor

@briancthayer

Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite

@Chhapiness

Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me

Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me

@Jandalize

Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.

@sug_knight

Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that

@bingowings14

As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.

@LowIifee

normal person: 7+6= 13

me: if 7+7 is 14 & 6 is one less than 7 then 7+6 must be 13.

@bourgeoisalien

If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.

@BoozeWallet

*opens kitchen garbage to discover there’s no bag in it*

*walks 6 miles to gas station to throw out kleenex rather than putting new bag in*

@jordan_stratton

ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?

BOSS: Well, yes.

ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?