Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@PatsATweetin

horse prosecutor: did you do it?

horse defendant: neigh

horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again

horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!

@deskslave1

When I see crate of kittens in a pet store I think “oh a crazy cat lady starter kit!”

@debon7

Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period

@TheBoydP

Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.

@AnkCoupleTO

I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts

@iGreenGod

I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..

My surgeon friends disagreed.

@FlyoverJoel

I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.

@kelkulus

Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.

Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.

@jctwritesstuff

The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am