horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Your word is palindrome
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Go hang a salami I’m a lasagna hog.
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When I see crate of kittens in a pet store I think “oh a crazy cat lady starter kit!”
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am