I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
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Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
bears
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.