@fro_vo

[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ?? ???? is ????? ???? and ?? ????.

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@UnFitz

Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?

Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”

@1CleverGirl1

Me: I’m super funny. I mean, how could 13K people be wrong?
Husband: There were WAY more people in the Nazi party.
Me:……………..

@weinerdog4life

You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that

@ArfMeasures

ME: I worked at a zoo for a while

THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?

ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories

@iinkedZombie

Flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that on the plane.

Me: this is my emotional support chainsaw.

@momopface

WANTED: Someone to follow me around and whisper “You’re an adult” every few minutes.

@Angibangie

sign your emails with “best regrets” and see if they notice

@withanewname

psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”

@UnFitz

Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.

Me: Touché.

@Book_Krazy

Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?

Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.

Hub: because they were stuck together?

Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!