[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
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On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks