[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
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I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Well, this is awkward
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy