Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
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the prophecies have been fulfilled
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*