@DumbAlias

Spend hours getting screaming baby to sleep.

Check on sleeping baby.

Can’t hear breathing…prod sleeping baby

Repeat

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@QwertyJones3

[first date]

HER: Do you have any hobbies?

ME: Yes! Wait, did you say “hobbits”?

HER: No, hobbies

ME: Oh, then no

@anne_theriault

We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”

@elle91

Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.

@HushJared

I’m just saying, if the ice cream truck can play music, the garbage truck could too.

@GrantTanaka

me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me

@qwertygirl

The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”