[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
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[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
we’re dead?
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.