Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
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Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.