“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
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“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
hey, alexa
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”