My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
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I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
My god she’s good.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.