spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
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*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
j o i m p
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?