*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
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in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
I’m tired tomorrow.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food