@EvilLordBacon

*spends 4 hours applying sunscreen to kids
*kids play outside for 7 minutes

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@FunnyBison

INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!

@AristotlesNZ

Turns out the easiest way to piss of a vegan is to refer to their veganism as their “eating disorder”.

@Not_James_Vogel

Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.

@TheBoydP

What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?

I’m that

@AtticusFinch79

I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.

@iwearaonesie

*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!

@Angibangie

Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!

-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.

@david8hughes

[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”

@Sassafrantz

[Ghost Hunters]
This ghost is a male, probably in his 40’s
-how’d u figure that out?
He went bat shit crazy when we turned the thermostat up