Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
*spends 4 hours applying sunscreen to kids
*kids play outside for 7 minutes
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I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
ME: [spraying hose to make a rainbow over a bear trap]
WIFE: stop trying to trap a leprechaun
ME: I really want a pot of gold or some cereal
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
MOM: *frantically* WHAT? WHAT HAPPENED!!?
ME: Could you wash these jeans?
MOM: what have I told you about laundry after 9pm?
ME: oh, right. DAAAADDDDDD!!!
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Just reported a car stolen because the people inside are black and the stick figures on the window were white