*spends 4 hours applying sunscreen to kids
*kids play outside for 7 minutes

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Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?


I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt


ME: [spraying hose to make a rainbow over a bear trap]
WIFE: stop trying to trap a leprechaun
ME: I really want a pot of gold or some cereal


*first day as a cop*

What if they arrest me back


Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”


[at 10pm]


MOM: *frantically* WHAT? WHAT HAPPENED!!?

ME: Could you wash these jeans?

MOM: what have I told you about laundry after 9pm?

ME: oh, right. DAAAADDDDDD!!!


ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*

“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”

~ Karma Chameleon


My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.


Just reported a car stolen because the people inside are black and the stick figures on the window were white