[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
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add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”