@Marlebean

*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*

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@Mikecanrant

Pretty upset to find out that salmonella poisoning has nothing to do with a vindictive fish named Ella.

@JohnLyonTweets

[hell]

Me: Why am I here?

Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.

Me: OK that’s fair.

@jonnysun

[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD

@RickAaron

After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.

@PettyRuxpin83

It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money

@urmumsausername

me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!

him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker

@StupiDucker

I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.

@WilliamAder

Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.

@Reverend_Scott

SON: I need lunch money.

DAD: Get a job.

SON: I’m in 5th grade-

DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.

@rockymomax

[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs