*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*

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Pretty upset to find out that salmonella poisoning has nothing to do with a vindictive fish named Ella.



Me: Why am I here?

Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.

Me: OK that’s fair.


[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–


After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.


It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money


me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!

him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker


I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.


Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.


SON: I need lunch money.

DAD: Get a job.

SON: I’m in 5th grade-

DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.


[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs