*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
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How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Horrifying if literal: armchairs