Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.

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Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job


I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank


My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.


“want to go grab some dinner?”

*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire


Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they


Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.


I found a message in a bottle. It said:

“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”


Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.


SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me