@slotjunkierose

Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.

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@murrman5

dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]

@coolauntV

modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”

@CaniacMONK

I hope I get a good grade on my kids science project this year.

@ddsmidt

If you love someone, tell them.

If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.

@MarfSalvador

Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!

Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?

@mrtruthandsoul

Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?

-liveTweeting from the DogHouse

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.

Friend: Flyers for what?

Me: Some club called VIOLATION.