@murrman5 dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
@slotjunkierose Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
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@murrman5 
@coolauntV modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
@CaniacMONK I hope I get a good grade on my kids science project this year.
@amydillon [kicks in your door to apologize to you]
@ddsmidt If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
@MarfSalvador Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
@mrtruthandsoul Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
@JohnLyonTweets Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
@TheOnion Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
@jackiembouvier Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.