@slotjunkierose

Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.

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@thestlouisan

Who’s the idiot who named the song ‘The Sound of Silence’ and not

@sparticus_af

before meds: *hates everything*

after meds: *feels good about hating everything*

@preciousadidas

Biden: So here’s the plan, I’ll tackle him and you go in for the knockout

Obama: Joe please.

Biden: too far? Okay what about-

Obama

@Adam14

I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.

@AbbieEvansXO

Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?

Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok

@emireecraire

Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter

@mrjohndarby

Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary

Mom: But…how?

Cop: Maybe get a cab?

@Book_Krazy

*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*

-Law & Order sound