dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
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modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
I hope I get a good grade on my kids science project this year.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.