Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
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Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!