Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.

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Who’s the idiot who named the song ‘The Sound of Silence’ and not


before meds: *hates everything*

after meds: *feels good about hating everything*


Biden: So here’s the plan, I’ll tackle him and you go in for the knockout

Obama: Joe please.

Biden: too far? Okay what about-



I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.


Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?

Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok


Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter


Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary

Mom: But…how?

Cop: Maybe get a cab?


*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*

-Law & Order sound