Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
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Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Spring cleaning checklist…
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Does it…does it take 3 days
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
ibopfufen
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?