Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
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Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Follow me for more fitness tips.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!