Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
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Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
The answer is funnier than the question
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet