I’m not a nun goddammit. Unless my kids are on Twitter, in which case, I ONLY HAD SEX WITH YOUR DAD THREE (3) TIMES AND IT WASN’T FUN OK?!?
Spent a pretty long time watching the cat next door lounge in the grass before I realized he was a skateboard.
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ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Judging by this line at Costco it doesn’t look like I’ll ever see my family again.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Just figured out what “CW” means so now I have to re-read all of Twitter.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this