@iamspacegirl

Spent a pretty long time watching the cat next door lounge in the grass before I realized he was a skateboard.

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@ShellHasDragons

I’m not a nun goddammit. Unless my kids are on Twitter, in which case, I ONLY HAD SEX WITH YOUR DAD THREE (3) TIMES AND IT WASN’T FUN OK?!?

@girlontapas

You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…

Doughnuts never do that.

@jaronmyers

There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field

I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan

@DaddyJew

Judging by this line at Costco it doesn’t look like I’ll ever see my family again.

Sweet.

@PaperWash

What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?

@yonewt

Just figured out what “CW” means so now I have to re-read all of Twitter.

@AngryRaccoon2

Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.

I think about this a lot.

@abbycohenwl

When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped

@GrantTanaka

me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this