Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
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Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
it be like that
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to