Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
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I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Give your hair sexy volume by showering with a toaster.
[on a planet teeming with life, covered in beautiful landscapes, limitless drinking water, breathable air]
*whiney voice* “it’s windy”
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
The little-known fourth major monotheistic religion…
[goes to walmart]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG