Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Spent all last night mouthing words to my dog to try and convince him that he’d gone deaf.
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My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ?? my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
what do we want
LOW FLYING AIRPLANE NOISES
when do we want them
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
[plumber] well here’s your problem.. *keeps pulling tied handkerchiefs from toilet*
[magician] it was like that when I bought the house
“Wanna pop a xanax in the Civic and kayak with mom and dad at noon?” “Can’t. Scared.” “Of the water?” “No. Palindromes.”
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
If you wear a man bun in a dimly lit restaurant and I call you ma’am… That’s on you.