Spent all last night mouthing words to my dog to try and convince him that he’d gone deaf.

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Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.

Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.


My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.

Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.


Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ?? my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.


me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on


what do we want


when do we want them



Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.


[plumber] well here’s your problem.. *keeps pulling tied handkerchiefs from toilet*
[magician] it was like that when I bought the house


“Wanna pop a xanax in the Civic and kayak with mom and dad at noon?” “Can’t. Scared.” “Of the water?” “No. Palindromes.”


cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck


If you wear a man bun in a dimly lit restaurant and I call you ma’am… That’s on you.