@RorynotRoy

Spent all last night mouthing words to my dog to try and convince him that he’d gone deaf.

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@3sunzzz

Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.

Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.

@ddsmidt

My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.

Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ?? my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.

@CornOnTheGoblin

me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on

@specialhug

what do we want

LOW FLYING AIRPLANE NOISES

when do we want them

NNNNEEOOOW

@mkpaulsen

Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.

@ibid78

[plumber] well here’s your problem.. *keeps pulling tied handkerchiefs from toilet*
[magician] it was like that when I bought the house

@thesulk

“Wanna pop a xanax in the Civic and kayak with mom and dad at noon?” “Can’t. Scared.” “Of the water?” “No. Palindromes.”

@MarfSalvador

cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck

@samfromks

If you wear a man bun in a dimly lit restaurant and I call you ma’am… That’s on you.