Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
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Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Air pods looking like an angry frog
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband