Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
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Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski