Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
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mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
doing your own taxes
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
The real reason evolution started..😂
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Message from the dog groomers
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.