Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
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A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
it must be school picture day
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently