“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
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I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
why am I working on Labor Day
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
no such thing as a dumb question