@JonMHamm

Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.

Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.

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@tristandross

if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him

@LOsepyan

If those Amazon drones can really get to your house in 30 minutes then condoms are about to become their #1 selling item.

@SortaBad

2008: I want a career where I change the world

2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of

2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues

@wickedimproper

St. Peter: “Spock?”

Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”

St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”

@English_Channel

Computer: Choose a password

Me: 1scoop_of_coffee_per_2cups_of_water

Computer: Sorry, that password is too weak

@DumbConfessions

Wrong hole.

No. Still the wrong hole.

Only ONE in each hole!

Ugh. Here! I’ll show you.

-Helping my kid put on a swimsuit.

@TheAlexNevil

I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.

@daddydoubts

Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.

Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.

@ShortSleeveSuit

COP: are you armed

ME: yes

COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count

ME [sadly]: then no

@jwoodham

Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.