if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
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If those Amazon drones can really get to your house in 30 minutes then condoms are about to become their #1 selling item.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Computer: Choose a password
Computer: Sorry, that password is too weak
No. Still the wrong hole.
Only ONE in each hole!
Ugh. Here! I’ll show you.
-Helping my kid put on a swimsuit.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
COP: are you armed
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.