Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
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Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Godspeed, John Glenn
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”