Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
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anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.