Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
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cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.