@daemonic3

[sperm bank]

clinician: any questions before becoming a potential donor?

me: yes, why is it called a “sperm donation” and not a “payload”

clinician: *writing notes* ok so you are definitely dad material

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@marebytes

Hey people who design vacuums- Why the headlight?
Are people vacuuming in the dark? or riding them on the freeway & I just havent seen?

@Donna_McCoy

Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?

@rolldiggity

1. Sit down next to stranger on park bench.
2. Place an envelope beside him.
3. Whisper, “It has to look like an accident.”
4. Walk away.

@Sir_Strange

“Oh my god, you’ve gotten so fat! Want me to make you something to eat?”

– my mother

@ginadivittorio

‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?

@stats_canada

It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity

@jordan_stratton

*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.

@AshToTheFuture

Inside of you are two wolves: one that understands data privacy is important, and one that will hand over literally any piece of personal data if it means getting food delivered to your house with little to no human interaction

@clichedout

me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything

her: sure

me: why