Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
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It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.