[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
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me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys