coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
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There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
[Judas standing alone waiting to be picked for dodgeball]
-Come on it was one time guys
*Jesus drags the CPR dummy to his side of the gym*
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
6yo wants to “have a conversation” with the class bully’s parents. Either he’s mature beyond his years or he’s a mobster.
students: i broke 18 ribs can i be excused from this absence
professor: tough shit
same professor: well kids unfortunately i stepped in a puddle with socks on so class will be cancelled indefinitely
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide