@aaronfredericks

[Sperm Bank]

DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy

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@murrman5

coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what

@TheBoydP

There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.

@BoomBoomBetty

[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]

“Rest in peace.”

My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.

@BakedBrotatoes

[Judas standing alone waiting to be picked for dodgeball]

-Come on it was one time guys

*Jesus drags the CPR dummy to his side of the gym*

@Kat_ZenJammer

He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink

@hpb777

6yo wants to “have a conversation” with the class bully’s parents. Either he’s mature beyond his years or he’s a mobster.

@emilyarse

students: i broke 18 ribs can i be excused from this absence

professor: tough shit

same professor: well kids unfortunately i stepped in a puddle with socks on so class will be cancelled indefinitely

@mommajessiec

My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?

@jakob_huber

It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.

@Cpin42

If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide