Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
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didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”