Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb

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I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”




Whenever someone tells me they like country music, I just look them in the eyes and ask “which country?”


The stages of getting old are:
1) shocked to see that some famous person is younger than you
2) not surprised anymore b/c they’re all younger


Even the most racially sensitive person you know gets a little skeptical when the chef at a Chinese restaurant isn’t Asian


Who called it death by autoerotic asphyxiation and not final fantasy


Me in email:
thanks for this. Thank you for responding. Thank you for acknowledging that I wrote. Sorry I can’t do the thing but thanks for asking. Thanks for thinking of me. Thank you for thinking at all. Sorry to bother you since you didn’t reply. Thanks again.



A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.


I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.


Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”