@TheOnion

Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb

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@a_simpl_man

It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me

@just1fool

I used to want to live in the sewers with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles when I was a kid so I’d say I’m a success compared to that.

@JB4Realz

[first day as chinese police officer]

me: guys…it happened again.

[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…

@Shot_Of_Cabo

[ phone call ]

Wife: You want the white 7″ or the black 9″.

Me: The black 9″.

..and if she wasn’t tablet shopping this would be awkward.

@gingerbrigade1

‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’

I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.

@Cheeseboy22

Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.

@EndhooS

“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”

@donni

When I die, I’m donating my body to Simons. I tell this to every Simon I meet. So far, they’re not into it

@Shellsterca

*Goes fishing

*Catches Spongebob

*Hangs him on my wall as a trophy

*Too lazy to buy a sponge

*Uses Spongebob to clean toilet