It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
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I used to want to live in the sewers with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles when I was a kid so I’d say I’m a success compared to that.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
[ phone call ]
Wife: You want the white 7″ or the black 9″.
Me: The black 9″.
..and if she wasn’t tablet shopping this would be awkward.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
When I die, I’m donating my body to Simons. I tell this to every Simon I meet. So far, they’re not into it
*Hangs him on my wall as a trophy
*Too lazy to buy a sponge
*Uses Spongebob to clean toilet
Life is too hard. Let’s play something else.