@TheOnion

Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb

You Might Also Like

@IAmKatieOrr

I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”

@

a:1:{s:7:”retweet”;i:1;}

@jwoodham

Whenever someone tells me they like country music, I just look them in the eyes and ask “which country?”

@InternetHippo

The stages of getting old are:
1) shocked to see that some famous person is younger than you
2) not surprised anymore b/c they’re all younger

@Sickayduh

Even the most racially sensitive person you know gets a little skeptical when the chef at a Chinese restaurant isn’t Asian

@ky_chu

Who called it death by autoerotic asphyxiation and not final fantasy

@EmilyYoon

Me in email:
thanks for this. Thank you for responding. Thank you for acknowledging that I wrote. Sorry I can’t do the thing but thanks for asking. Thanks for thinking of me. Thank you for thinking at all. Sorry to bother you since you didn’t reply. Thanks again.

Thanks,
Emily

@Cheeseboy22

A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.

@sammorril

Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”