Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
You Might Also Like
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
first you must answer his riddles
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”