Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
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How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther