Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
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[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
How I’d get arrested…
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.