Just heard a lady say she’s been shopping at this Kmart for the last 15 years, and I was like, “doesn’t your family miss you?”
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
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Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.