@Skoog

sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die

me: 27

sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…

me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?

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@Henry_3000

Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.

@CalmTomb

BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern

@EliTerry

Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.

@rad_milk

yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses

@theevilwriter

Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.

@TheToddWilliams

[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-

@8WARDBOA

I gotta stop applyin for Everything on Indeed I got a Interview Tuesday to be a Pastor

@RxitWounds

Is this your 1st video conference call?

*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm no

So you’re aware we can see you?

*Cough* what *cough*

@funflaps

CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!

ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.

EXCALIBUR: Ok

@Paul_Eaton1

Everyone knows someone in real life that actually resembles a garden gnome.