sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
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Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.