@shutupmikeginn

Spice things up in a first date by wearing a parachute and refusing to talk about it

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@simoncholland

One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.

@_wendyb07

Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”

@TheMichaelRock

I am aware that smoking will kill me, please explain to me again how you’ll live forever

@ArfMeasures

Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?

Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for

Netflix: Oh ok

Me: No I mean put it on

@sad_tree

*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost

@abbycohenwl

Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender

@Eagle_Vision

The correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies is “compost.”

@AndyAsAdjective

*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*

@CornOnTheGoblin

[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie

@UncleDuke1969

PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.