Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
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My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”