Spice things up in a first date by wearing a parachute and refusing to talk about it

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One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.


Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”


I am aware that smoking will kill me, please explain to me again how you’ll live forever


Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?

Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for

Netflix: Oh ok

Me: No I mean put it on


*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost


Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender


The correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies is “compost.”


*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*


[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie


PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.