Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
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This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.