@papasuncle

Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.

“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.

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@ErrenMichaels

The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.

@Cheeseboy22

Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.

@Jade_VK

Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster

@BettyBowers

“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.

@Home_Halfway

[man having a stroke on an airplane]

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Oh my god! Do we have a doctor on the plane?

DENTIST: I’m a dentist, I can try

FA: Please do, hurry!

DENTIST: *runs over and hurriedly flosses the man’s teeth* Don’t you die on me

@iGreenMonk

When someone tell me , “long time no see” i usually reply, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”

@beefman138

Maternity.

Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.

@AlanFelyk

Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*