Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
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Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
mugger: act cool and you wont get hurt
me: *two thumbs up* Eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
mugger: you know what, here’s your wallet back
I don’t know what I drank last night, but the vacuum is stuck on top of the house.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
*Flips over cards*
It was your TC in the KIK room with the retweeter.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Me: goodnight kids
Kids: goodnight dad
Me: goodnight monster that eats children who are bad
Wife: [through radio under the bed] GOODNIGHT