That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
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Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
[man having a stroke on an airplane]
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Oh my god! Do we have a doctor on the plane?
DENTIST: I’m a dentist, I can try
FA: Please do, hurry!
DENTIST: *runs over and hurriedly flosses the man’s teeth* Don’t you die on me
When someone tell me , “long time no see” i usually reply, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…