@papasuncle

Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.

“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.

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@MomofTeen

Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.

@Ygrene

Genie: what are your three wishes

Me: make me a waffle

[suddenly I am a waffle]

Me: no, like a waffle to eat

[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]

Me: no! for me to eat

[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]

@sonictyrant

mugger: act cool and you wont get hurt

me: *two thumbs up* Eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

mugger: you know what, here’s your wallet back

@Jam453Lane

I don’t know what I drank last night, but the vacuum is stuck on top of the house.

@sarcasticmommy4

New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.

@sad_saurus

Wife: Why are you wearing that?

Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué

Wife: You mean risqué?

Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right

@DevilryFun

I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.

@thenatewolf

Me: goodnight kids

Kids: goodnight dad

Me: goodnight monster that eats children who are bad

Wife: [through radio under the bed] GOODNIGHT