Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
You Might Also Like
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
his wife is probably gonna see that
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.