Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
You Might Also Like
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit