Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.

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me: how can I seem confident on my date?

friend: act like you own the place


her: thanks for picking me up

me: where’s the rent


I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!



Joseph *casting his line*:
Son, your mother thinks it’s time I tell you-
You’re agodpted.

Jesus *runs across the lake crying*


‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”


Did you know that according to FDA regulations a goblin can be labeled as a hobgoblin even if it contains only 3% hob


ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?

ME: Not murdering.

ATTORNEY: But where were you?

ME: {sweating} The not murder store.


*presses wheelchair accessible button*

*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*

“We’re here for a haircut.”


Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.


me: it’s okay in my book

5: what book? can I see the book?

me: it’s hypothetical

5: what’s hypothetical mean?

me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…


DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.