@Tmoney68

Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.

You Might Also Like

@Browtweaten

me: how can I seem confident on my date?

friend: act like you own the place

[later]

her: thanks for picking me up

me: where’s the rent

@DirtMcTurd

I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!

@iamspacegirl

FISHING TRIP

Joseph *casting his line*:
Son, your mother thinks it’s time I tell you-
You’re agodpted.

Jesus *runs across the lake crying*

@RidiculousSheri

‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”

@therealeatwood

Did you know that according to FDA regulations a goblin can be labeled as a hobgoblin even if it contains only 3% hob

@FrazzleMyGimp

ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?

ME: Not murdering.

ATTORNEY: But where were you?

ME: {sweating} The not murder store.

@Brianhopecomedy

*presses wheelchair accessible button*

*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*

“We’re here for a haircut.”

@Birdhumms

Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.

@notmythirdrodeo

me: it’s okay in my book

5: what book? can I see the book?

me: it’s hypothetical

5: what’s hypothetical mean?

me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…

@jwoodham

DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.