Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
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I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together