@solomongeorgio

Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”

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@KentWGraham

My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.

@thatUPSdude

Went to Hollister but nothing fit, plus got lost in there for a week. Came out 30lbs lighter, so went back in to buy a shirt.

Well played.

@Be___Dope

[ Playing with Ouija board ]

Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.

@50FirstTates

OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?

CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.

5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.

@Home_Halfway

I forgot the name for a beaver the other day so I referred to them as “architect squirrels.”

@Mr_Kapowski

Just a typical Sunday morning of going on and writing Amazon reviews for cheese graters rating them low and saying “not good toys for kids”

@ginnyhogan_

I believe if you regularly ask single women when they plan to get married, it’s only fair to ask married couples when they plan to get divorced.

@FuckabillyRex

I probably wouldn’t know what to do with my hands if you were murdering me, but there’s a strong possibility I would hug you really tight.