Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”

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My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.


Went to Hollister but nothing fit, plus got lost in there for a week. Came out 30lbs lighter, so went back in to buy a shirt.

Well played.


[ Playing with Ouija board ]

Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.


OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?



Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.

5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.


I forgot the name for a beaver the other day so I referred to them as “architect squirrels.”


Just a typical Sunday morning of going on and writing Amazon reviews for cheese graters rating them low and saying “not good toys for kids”


I believe if you regularly ask single women when they plan to get married, it’s only fair to ask married couples when they plan to get divorced.


I probably wouldn’t know what to do with my hands if you were murdering me, but there’s a strong possibility I would hug you really tight.