@solomongeorgio

Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”

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@TheWoodenslurpy

I thought I saw Jesus in a cookie. But I was wrong. It was just a guy who looked like him.

@Iennys

Him: ima call you at 11

Me at 11:01: all men do is lie

@HomeWithPeanut

*Gets bit by spider*

*I don’t get powers*

*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*

@LittleMissZesty

If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.

@GrantTanaka

this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one

@BoogTweets

Mom: Your son still won’t do his laundry. Talk to him
Dad: I’m not going in there
Mom: Why
Dad: Last week I stubbed my toe on 1 of his socks

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.