50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
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On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
kids play hide and seek like
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked