@craiguito

Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.

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@iamspacegirl

Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.

Her: I can hear you.

Me: she could hear me

@hipstermermaid

I need a punctuation mark that is halfway between a period and an exclamation point so I can answer texts without sounding bored or insane.

@DrakeGatsby

Waiter: How is everything?

Me: This is a salad

Waiter: Yes

Me: I ordered spaghetti

Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude

@dadthatwrites

I used to think nudism was weird. Then I started doing my own laundry.

@aveuaskew

It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.

I’m fine by the way.

@bridger_w

If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing

@Jennuflect

[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?

@Artemis_Ascends

Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!

@realHamOnWry

My apologies to Tom Cruise. I honestly thought that Scientologists dug up and studied old scientists.