Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
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I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool