Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
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Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.